a look back
http://www.theonion.com/content/node/28784
Bush: ‘Our Long National Nightmare Of Peace And Prosperity Is Finally
Over’
January 17, 2001 | Issue 37•01
WASHINGTON, DC–Mere days from assuming the presidency and closing the
door on eight years of Bill Clinton, president-elect George W. Bush
assured the nation in a televised address Tuesday that “our long
national nightmare of peace and prosperity is finally over.”
“My fellow Americans,” Bush said, “at long last, we have reached the
end of the dark period in American history that will come to be known
as the Clinton Era, eight long years characterized by unprecedented
economic expansion, a sharp decrease in crime, and sustained peace
overseas. The time has come to put all of that behind us.”
Bush swore to do “everything in [his] power” to undo the damage
wrought by Clinton’s two terms in office, including selling off the
national parks to developers, going into massive debt to develop
expensive and impractical weapons technologies, and passing sweeping
budget cuts that drive the mentally ill out of hospitals and onto the
street.
During the 40-minute speech, Bush also promised to bring an end to
the severe war drought that plagued the nation under Clinton,
assuring citizens that the U.S. will engage in at least one Gulf War-
level armed conflict in the next four years.
“You better believe we’re going to mix it up with somebody at some
point during my administration,” said Bush, who plans a 250 percent
boost in military spending. “Unlike my predecessor, I am fully
committed to putting soldiers in battle situations. Otherwise, what
is the point of even having a military?”
On the economic side, Bush vowed to bring back economic stagnation by
implementing substantial tax cuts, which would lead to a recession,
which would necessitate a tax hike, which would lead to a drop in
consumer spending, which would lead to layoffs, which would deepen
the recession even further.
Wall Street responded strongly to the Bush speech, with the Dow Jones
industrial fluctuating wildly before closing at an 18-month low. The
NASDAQ composite index, rattled by a gloomy outlook for tech stocks
in 2001, also fell sharply, losing 4.4 percent of its total value
between 3 p.m. and the closing bell.
Asked for comment about the cooling technology sector, Bush said:
“That’s hardly my area of expertise.”
Turning to the subject of the environment, Bush said he will do
whatever it takes to undo the tremendous damage not done by the
Clinton Administration to the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge. He
assured citizens that he will follow through on his campaign promise
to open the 1.5 million acre refuge’s coastal plain to oil drilling.
As a sign of his commitment to bringing about a change in the
environment, he pointed to his choice of Gale Norton for Secretary of
the Interior. Norton, Bush noted, has “extensive experience” fighting
environmental causes, working as a lobbyist for lead-paint
manufacturers and as an attorney for loggers and miners, in addition
to suing the EPA to overturn clean-air standards.
Bush had equally high praise for Attorney General nominee John
Ashcroft, whom he praised as “a tireless champion in the battle to
protect a woman’s right to give birth.”
“Soon, with John Ashcroft’s help, we will move out of the Dark Ages
and into a more enlightened time when a woman will be free to think
long and hard before trying to fight her way past throngs of
protesters blocking her entrance to an abortion clinic,” Bush said.
“We as a nation can look forward to lots and lots of babies.”
Continued Bush: “John Ashcroft will be invaluable in healing the
terrible wedge President Clinton drove between church and state.”
The speech was met with overwhelming approval from Republican leaders.
“Finally, the horrific misrule of the Democrats has been brought to a
close,” House Majority Leader Dennis Hastert (R-IL) told reporters.
“Under Bush, we can all look forward to military aggression,
deregulation of dangerous, greedy industries, and the defunding of
vital domestic social-service programs upon which millions depend.
Mercifully, we can now say goodbye to the awful nightmare that was
Clinton’s America.”
“For years, I tirelessly preached the message that Clinton must be
stopped,” conservative talk-radio host Rush Limbaugh said. “And yet,
in 1996, the American public failed to heed my urgent warnings, re-
electing Clinton despite the fact that the nation was prosperous and
at peace under his regime. But now, thank God, that’s all done with.
Once again, we will enjoy mounting debt, jingoism, nuclear paranoia,
mass deficit, and a massive military build-up.”
An overwhelming 49.9 percent of Americans responded enthusiastically
to the Bush speech.
“After eight years of relatively sane fiscal policy under the
Democrats, we have reached a point where, just a few weeks ago,
President Clinton said that the national debt could be paid off by as
early as 2012,” Rahway, NJ, machinist and father of three Bud
Crandall said. “That’s not the kind of world I want my children to
grow up in.”
“You have no idea what it’s like to be black and enfranchised,” said
Marlon Hastings, one of thousands of Miami-Dade County residents
whose votes were not counted in the 2000 presidential election.
“George W. Bush understands the pain of enfranchisement, and ever
since Election Day, he has fought tirelessly to make sure it never
happens to my people again.”
Bush concluded his speech on a note of healing and redemption.
“We as a people must stand united, banding together to tear this
nation in two,” Bush said. “Much work lies ahead of us: The gap
between the rich and the poor may be wide, be there’s much more
widening left to do. We must squander our nation’s hard-won budget
surplus on tax breaks for the wealthiest 15 percent. And, on the
foreign front, we must find an enemy and defeat it.”
“The insanity is over,” Bush said. “After a long, dark night of peace
and stability, the sun is finally rising again over America. We look
forward to a bright new dawn not seen since the glory days of my dad.”